The Wisdom to Know The Difference

It’s 10:30 pm and Hubs is already sleeping while I’ll probably be awake until midnight or so.  My day starts at about 6:30/7:00am while he wakes at 8:00/8:30.  I’m usually annoyed by the sun streaming around our black-out curtains (purchased specifically for my cave-sleeping requirements), whereupon I stumble to the kitchen for coffee before heading out into the garden to see how my ‘babies’ have survived the night.  After lovingly greeting each for the morning, observing/supplying their needs, I’m on ‘go’.  The rest of my day is on adrenaline – I rush to get ready for the job, rush there, rush to the needs of customers/bosses/coworkers, rush through government-regulated breaks/lunch, rush home after an 11 hr day, and rush to my garden again.  Then I slow down and enjoy!

Free days are different but similiar.  As I’m no longer in my beloved land of the Sunday/24-hour shopping experience; after the lazy early morning routine, I rush through errands, rush around online searching for/applying to opportunities to resurrect my DOA-(to Austria)-career, rush to get in a few hours of German language study/homework/classes, rush to meet with/catch up with friends, rush to enjoy the swiftly dwindling hours of free time left before I’m once again at the beck-and-call of others.

NYC wasn’t anything like this.  There I was commander of my destiny and complete – as a wife, a businesswoman, a friend, and a daughter.  Ironically, my first plants (all cacti) died.  Now, I’m adrift at sea, waiting for my ship, clinging desperately to a failing raft of uplifting nothingness (these stupid quotes/memes that even I’m not believing anymore…but we all need hope right?), fighting back fear/regret/tears with glasses of wine, awesome veggies (lol), sarcasm, and hope – but heck, according to the neighbors, I’ve got a green thumb!

994430_637123439682983_924999613_nIt’s 11pm, I’m tired…of waiting, worrying, wondering, and hoping.  I want to be happy again.  My mind is on my garden; it’s the one place I’m happy.  But it’s also on the garden of me…that has seems fallow, empty, dead.  I question, am I blooming, surviving, or simply finished?  Nonetheless, I’m always reminded:  it’s always darkest before the dawn…time to get to bed, a new dawn will come, a chance is just around the corner, just hold on…

About A Bahamian In Austria

I am a Bahamian woman, married to an Austrian man, who's been freshly transplanted to Vienna. I started writing this blog when a dear friend insisted that I had to write down my experiences. At best it'll update my buddies on my crazy-going-ons and at least, it'll keep me from stalking them online (LOL). I hope you enjoy :D
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2 Responses to The Wisdom to Know The Difference

  1. Lovely! I totally understand. I married at 40 and moved from the urban to the country. That move was very hard in many ways. I was lost. I lost myself for while. My husband says that the one thing we can count on is change. Nothing stays the same. Breathe.

    • Hi, my husband and mom say the same thing; that and also, the things I’m ‘surviving’ will make me a stronger, more capable person. I’m just thinking about getting through the hour, day, week. Thanks for the comment and support. Taking a breath now, lol. 🙂

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