It’s 10:30 pm and Hubs is already sleeping while I’ll probably be awake until midnight or so. My day starts at about 6:30/7:00am while he wakes at 8:00/8:30. I’m usually annoyed by the sun streaming around our black-out curtains (purchased specifically for my cave-sleeping requirements), whereupon I stumble to the kitchen for coffee before heading out into the garden to see how my ‘babies’ have survived the night. After lovingly greeting each for the morning, observing/supplying their needs, I’m on ‘go’. The rest of my day is on adrenaline – I rush to get ready for the job, rush there, rush to the needs of customers/bosses/coworkers, rush through government-regulated breaks/lunch, rush home after an 11 hr day, and rush to my garden again. Then I slow down and enjoy!
Free days are different but similiar. As I’m no longer in my beloved land of the Sunday/24-hour shopping experience; after the lazy early morning routine, I rush through errands, rush around online searching for/applying to opportunities to resurrect my DOA-(to Austria)-career, rush to get in a few hours of German language study/homework/classes, rush to meet with/catch up with friends, rush to enjoy the swiftly dwindling hours of free time left before I’m once again at the beck-and-call of others.
NYC wasn’t anything like this. There I was commander of my destiny and complete – as a wife, a businesswoman, a friend, and a daughter. Ironically, my first plants (all cacti) died. Now, I’m adrift at sea, waiting for my ship, clinging desperately to a failing raft of uplifting nothingness (these stupid quotes/memes that even I’m not believing anymore…but we all need hope right?), fighting back fear/regret/tears with glasses of wine, awesome veggies (lol), sarcasm, and hope – but heck, according to the neighbors, I’ve got a green thumb!
It’s 11pm, I’m tired…of waiting, worrying, wondering, and hoping. I want to be happy again. My mind is on my garden; it’s the one place I’m happy. But it’s also on the garden of me…that has seems fallow, empty, dead. I question, am I blooming, surviving, or simply finished? Nonetheless, I’m always reminded: it’s always darkest before the dawn…time to get to bed, a new dawn will come, a chance is just around the corner, just hold on…